A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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