I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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