I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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