Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
