My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
