Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
