i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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