I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
