a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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