she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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