You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
