Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
