How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
