hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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