I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
