Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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