I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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