3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
