his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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