Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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