and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
