apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
