I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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