I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
