I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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