His hands were made for my vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
