i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
