You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
