I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
