I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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