I think I died a long time ago.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
