final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
