At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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