Four minutes until I can fart!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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