I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
