Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
