You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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