It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
