Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
