So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
