you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When are your genitals available?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
