Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
