You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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