I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
