There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
