she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
