I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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