Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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