my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
