ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
