who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
