That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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