New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
