Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
