I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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