we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she peed on how many people?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
