She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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