awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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