Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
