Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
