Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
