you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
