so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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