made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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